181013

-When you tried so hard but no one cares.

Life (?)

Negative feelings lingering in my mind ever since noon. Tried to cheer myself up but it wont barge.. So here i am, feeling so upset and everything..

i really cant this issue has been bothering me everywhere i go. Being the odd one out, or in simple terms, the "extra". Has been experiencing since secondary and so, the problem probably lies within me..

Well, i still dont know. Maybe i am really the extra. And whatever comes out from my mouth wont be trusted.. period

Depressing thursday

I just hate expectations and hopes and promises. Cause apparently i feel damn upset/angry/disappointed/irritated/ ______ (-insertnegativeemotions) when any of these ingredients is missing..

YES. I hate promises. Or rather, broken promises. When you promise something, make sure you jolly well stick to it. Dont go haywire and give all sorts of excuses. I have experienced upteem times of these stuff but i still let my guards down. In the end, what do i get? An aching heart, puffy eyes, draining mind. Is this what you want from me? If YES, then i shall fence myself up from now on.

And so, you might be wondering why im posting all these sort of nonsense. But yea. Thats it. I got enough. Couple phone?! Not like you ever going to change your snail phone. Been hinting you countless times  and you took like a passing remark.. saying you try your best to change. When in acyual fact. You dont even want to change your phone..
《Get the point, dude. If you dont wish yo change it. Just admit it from the start.. and dont ever mention anything about "oh i saw this phone selling so cheap.." yea. Like you going to buy it.... -.- 》

HOO-OOOOLLIII-DAYS(?)

Hi guys. (Quick update before i head for dinner)

So, basically, im currently having my 2 months vacation. But sadly. 1 month is almost up..): and whats more. Results will be out into like less than 60 hours... *super scared but i really hope i have decent grades!

Moving on... had been trying to find work to kill my spare time. But seems like the work were all too short for me. 1 or 2 days of work and lepak time came again.. but currently, im applying for this donut job which i do hope i get it! If i do, I might get to work with syahidah and kai! ^^ (double happiness)

Quick update for today (posting this cause its one of the rare times i meet up with my sec bestie!) Alright.. so, me and sya went to the donut interview and to cut it short, we had lunch and a mini shopping around the mall. Haha. For lunch, we had fish mahattan market.. apparently, we ordered 4 people's share for 3 of us. Following, we got this free set because the waitress got the order wrong! So all in all, i  ate like super lots of good foodd despite being sick.. oh well. Yolo /:

Thats the end i guess! Shall dash for dinner now. (:

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Just cant stand being treated as a norm.

Given that special status means you are given special attention. Not jealousy anger or anything. But attention. Why must u give those special attention to other random girls. And show your friendly self? So that the special person would feel jealous and mad over you? Is it even worth it? Worth it to make a friend and forgo your special person? If thats the case. Go ahead and talk to morw random girls. And dont blame anyone for the consequence. Your actions were the one that determined her attitude towards you.

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insecured

Which girl likes her guy to give attention to other girls? Which girl? Name it.

99.9% you cant name it. Why? Cause no one likes their another half to be stolen.. so why cant people stay loyal to one person? Why must they flirt around and make you lose trust in them? And why is it that. When you tell them that their actions is disturbing. They dont care? They disagree? They get mad?

So by doing so. Are you trying to conclude that its okay to flirt when you have the other half. Its okay to get a jealous partner. Its okay to enjoy life with other people? Well. If thats the case. Dont get yourself involved in a relationship. Then you hurt your partner? Why make him or her hard to survive the day cause of ur selfish insensitive act?

My point is that. No one deserve to have this feeling. You want to manipulate people and make them have this feeling? Then go try it urself. Put yourself in their shoes. See how it is to have that lousy feeling..

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tell me.

This shit is happening all over again..
Same sport. Same thing happening. Thought it just me feeling paranoid in sec sch. But no. The same thing is happening again in poly..

Was not being selected even though i said anything.. worse still? You two  participated. And its okay if you guys join without me. Im cool with that. But? Keepig me in dark? Like this is how u should treat your friends.

I tried my best. I really have enough. You guys want leave me out. Go ahead. I will just fall sick on those days and stay at home. Lead my anti social life. Its alright. Really. Since im always being excluded..

Through this thing happening. I really know who to look out for. And who to support. And one of them is tobey. She listened. Gave me advice and comfort me. But sad to say. She is the only who did that. NO ONE ELSE DID.
So  im greatly to have her in my life. :') at least that was one person that make me think twice before punching the wall.

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Life has been pretty bad. Sick and last minute stuff.
Worst still. Bf posted a picture of him and an actress. And even set it as profile pic. But for us? Didnt even have a pic. Whats more having it as profile pic?
Excuse was:she is a celebrity.

Sometimes it makes me wondered  do you even treasure me. Do you even treat me like the rest. I really wonder..

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fullstop

Everything have been so last minute. Everything. Assignments.life.decisions. my motto in life was to change this habit. I tried but it got hindered. And now i feel so stressed up with all these last minute stuff.
Cause i know myself too well. I cant go on with this. If i did  i probably overstress myself and ended up in another world earlier

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Waited for three hours and what shit do i get? "Please be more understanding" if im not . I wont be waiting for u for three hours. I did nothing. No assignment no jothing. Just to wait for you. And what sort of treatment do i get?
Threatening. Blackmailing. Every single shit. Thanks for making me feel this lousy. Thanks for making me feel this was all not worth it.
Thanks for making me feel that you only care about yourself.

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Being ignored.. stand up despit being sick. No one bothers to offer seat. This is what you call friends. FRIENDS.
LEFT AT THE CORNER. NO ONE TOK TO YOU. HOW WILL YOU FEEL? SERIOUSLY?
SICK AND CRYING. THATS ALL I CAN DO NOW. No one to tok to. No one. Nothing. All standing alone.

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lies

So now i see how i am being a treated.. how much im worth.
Sick and waiting in the queue alone. No one. NO ONE. No one came to accompany. Everything to myself.. and when i returned. Everyone was just staring at each other.. so 'busy'.
Thanks for making me see the real you. Didnt expect this will happen but well.. today is the day. Everything came to light.

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lies

So now i see how i am being a treated.. how much im worth.
Sick and waiting in the queue alone. No one. NO ONE. No one came to accompany. Everything to myself.. and when i returned. Everyone was just staring at each other.. so 'busy'.
Thanks for making me see the real you. Didnt expect this will happen but well.. today is the day. Everything came to light.

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irritated

So now i see how i am being a treated.. how much im worth.
Sick and waiting in the queue alone. No one. NO ONE. No one came to accompany. Everything to myself.. and when i returned. Everyone was just staring at each other.. so 'busy'.
Thanks for making me see the real you. Didnt expect this will happen but well.. today is the day. Everything came to light.

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So now i see how i am being a treated.. how much im worth.
Sick and waiting in the queue alone. No one. NO ONE. No one came to accompany. Everything to myself.. and when i returned. Everyone was just staring at each other.. so 'busy'.
Thanks for making me see the real you. Didnt expect this will happen but well.. today is the day. Everything came to light.

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So now i see how i am being a treated.. how much im worth.
Sick and waiting in the queue alone. No one. NO ONE. No one came to accompany. Everything to myself.. and when i returned. Everyone was just staring at each other.. so 'busy'.
Thanks for making me see the real you. Didnt expect this will happen but well.. today is the day. Everything came to light.

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6 months

This is the end of half the year.. 2013 has been a prettt fast year. Things happen. Emotions express. Life moves on. An inevitable cycle for everyone. :)
So anyways. Im glad i am there to witness many occasions. And i truly know how each and everyone have changed. Its hard to keep and everything in your mind. So why not select the best memories abd delete the rest? At least you wont have to dwell on those negative moments. (Jow,2013)

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tired

Im tired. Really tired. Emotionally/physically. Im walking aimlessly now. Cause i have no goal. I give up. I really do. I try so hard for this but nothing paid off. Everyday and every night im being neglected. It feels like im all alone battling. No help. Nothing

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screw up people

The world is so screwed. Okay. Actually. Its just my family. Especially my dad.
So apparently. He came home from work and he got scolded by my two sisters.. i pitied him  yes i did. So i didnt want to agitate him..
I walked into the bathroom and saw him kicking my popular stuff. Then i said it was mine.. and dont kick it. And he bloody hell started scold me. Saying i put everything there. Blah blah whatever shit. And go on and on. Then i came out. Told my mum and he came out and scold me. Yea. And he argue that he didnt scold me. He was just saying. So i argued back and say i was also so saying... and there her precious daughtet told me to shut up. (When she was the cause of the whole quarrel)
Piss off man. Dont know why i get this type of treatment when i should deserve better ones. The world is so unfair. Bias people everywhere.

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-no title

Seriously. Dont get you at all...

If you dont wish to talk then dont post a question. i reply and you ignore it. It may not be a big deal to you but it is to me. I dont see how our friendship has turned to this. I dont get it.

So i tried my best to talk to you on WA. Be it personal or group chat. But everytime i replied  you shut up. Even though you are online.. is it hard to reply what i say? It takes u no more than 2 minutes to reply others but me? Nth. You dont bother to reply.

If you want to ruin this friendship (which alr somehow is) why not explain. At least i know what went wrong..

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sick tired cry

Sick tired crying. Yea. Thats what im feeling/doing right now on the bus. On the public bus alone..
And so whats the cause of these feelings? FALSE HOPES. how many times must i get this ? Just how many times. Always say that you will change.  Wont do it again. In the end? Its the SAME.  Get my hopes high  crash it infront of me. Do you think its a fun game? Do you think im a toy?
Im a human. I dont like my hopes get crashed. Not ever again

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When life gives you lemon

When life gives you lemon, return it with a lime. 

Was not at the best mood when i reached school, and when i saw what was happening, it got worse.

Hope the day gets better.

-alone

drifted

Its not the same as before. You priortise her over me. You chose her over me. You put her in your mind and forget all about me

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April Adventure

So its almost the end of april  and its quite a roller coaster ride. Fair share of ups and downs. And i must say i learnt to be more resilient. And i had grew  slimmer TOUGHER.
So. First up was precamp and csop. Was rather quiet and didnt socialise much. Okay  i admit.. i didnt had such feeling before. A weird, out of place feeling. And yes. I cried. During the actual camp. Cause the feeling was overwhelming.. but im glad a few people were therr for me ♡
Next, is the handover ceremony aka HOC. It marks the official handing over of responsibilities. Okay. It was a learning experience during this time because i had to juggle between society and mentoring. It was hard. Luckily i managed to pull through under the constant motivations..
And theres 25th april. Important day for kai. Its his birthday. And we surprised him at marina barrage. But i felt i did not contribute much because i was so tired that i literally slept on the mat..anyways . He claimed that he was surprised and had enjoyed himself. So yea ^^
Then here comes one of the peak moments of april.. MOVIE TREAT BY MS GOH. Watched ironman 3 with comm members and sp mentoring. Aftermath, we bonded through some games. Was quite glad i did not give that a miss.  :D
Long entry for april (because i fail to post everytime). Since april is an eventful month, i hope that may will be a better month for me. :)

*Pardon me for the lack of emoticons. :p

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18th

Happy 18th to me. like finally. I getting to a legal age. But nope. Im not going to smoke or do anything silly yo~ hehehe.
Anyways. Today was a great day. K supposed to come at 2 but he came at 3)): then down to serangoon and thats when my dearest E.E.F surprised me with their handmade cake. WOHOOOO~ IT WAS SUPER YUMMY (:
And so. Was really glad for them. Otherwise. Would be spending my day alone):
Then. We went to pizza for our late lunch. Was too full by the time we finish our meal. So we walked around nex and bid farewell with E. Rest of us went down to bugis to get some stuff. Loving my new bag now. Its so bright and striking. Haha!:)
AND I LOVE THE KEYCHAIN THAT E GAVE ME. THE COUPLE KEYCHAIN WITH K. HAHAHAHHA~
anyway. Love my 18th though i couldnt use my s3 today~ haha. Oh wells. Want to thank everyone who wished me. Be it on fb/WA/twitter/instagram/message. I really love each and everyone‘s best wishes.
(Though i was a little sad when people whom i expected to celebrate for me didnt turn up/: hahaha. But its okay!)

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alone

Yahooo. So for the past few days. Was having my dip plus. Felt like giving up but i ended up. Pushing myself. Testing my limits. And it was a fruitful experience. I got to learn alot of business things.:)
So yea. Today is mr maode wedding and im going over now. Like one more stop. So during the train ride. This uncle stare at me and then sat beside me. I knew something was not right. Then he continued staring. Giving those looks. I wanted to move away. And luckily he alighted at tampines. But the problem is. I wanted to ask you for help. You didnt reply. I felt so alone and helpless. You told me to take up self defense course. But thats not the point. I wanted to tell u how scared i was. So you could calm me down. Instead of that. You make me think of that situation again.....

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Maybe its my problem. I was too emotional.
I just wanted a phone.. a new phone because apparently. My family doesnt want to sponsor me. So i cried.
You didnt replied me and picked up my call. I was worried and i cried..
You say you will be the only one celebrating my birthday. I was hurt and sad. I dont like it when all my friends go and enjoy themselves and ignore my birthdays. To me. It hurts. And so. We dont agree with each other and once again i cried.

Been crying countless of times today and i know im weak. I really cant stand things anymore turning 18 soon but i dont feel anything. Normal people will probably hold a party. Hang out with their friends and do stuff. Me? I decided it was just be another ordinary day. Cause i know for sure. My wish will never come true. It will never..

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life

I really dont know whats up with life..
First. I got sick. Then my phone crashed. Then you ignored my call and messages.
Seriously. When my phone is okay. You refused to talk to me.. when ots spoilt. You want to talk..
Life has been going against me. No one is there to help me when i fell. No one. Cause everyone just laugh at my fall. Well. I guess thats natural for them.
How long more do i need to suffer this? Crying every now and then cause i can no longer tell my feelings to anyone. Bearing it to myself is hard. And i no longer can take it.

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When all your efforts gone to drain..
When you didnt get what you wanted..
When everythig just go against you..

Yeaps. Thats how im feeling now.

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CSC camp

For the past three days. I was at camp. A community service camp which i enjoyed.
So on the first day. After registration. I went to my group. Yeaaaaaa. It was group 3! Lynette,esther,cherry,syafiqah,jiaying,izzati,zhao wei,calvin, humaira, jasmine and celine. So it was silent initially. Then we started talking and tadaaaa. Our group unite. We unte in slacking. MUHAHAHHAA.
Kind of forgot what we did on first day. Presentation games and lunch.
Day two. We went out of np for our amazing race. First part was great yet tiring. Hhahaha. Then second part had rain. So we didnt walked much. :)
Then third day was performance and mini game. And results was out. Woke up at 6 plus to check and went to find tobey and zy.
Orhya.. i fell sick on the first day. And i took panadol. With the help of tobey and syafiqah! Thanks girls<3 second night was better as i ate my macs. Thanks to humaira whom help to order:)
End of post. Going to marina barrage with rainbow now!<3

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sunday

Work today.  And my poor boy is down with running nose. Couldnt help him catch it... so too bad:p hahaha.
So anyway. As usual, had seven eleven meals with boy and qh. Then i bought my favourite tomyum noodles. Wohooo~ off to work. And was quite pissed at times. :|
Then after work. Accompanied eve to the bus stop and down to dhoby with boy. Shopped a while before heading home. Felt so giddy and had a fainting spell. Lucky managed to survive until home. Spammed coke before doing anything..
Upcoming week would be hectic. Results out on friday. And idk how i fair actually. Hmmm. Quite worried though!:p

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Out.

Yesterday was a great day!
Went to meet my dearest at boon keng. Then went to buy tiong bahru brand otah. Very juicy yooo~ ^^ down to whompoa to have my usual fish maw mee hoon kueh. Hehe. Then dessert was tah huay. Wohoooo! All cravings satisfied.. haha.
Then went to boon keng. Wanted to walk down kallang river but was thirsty. Went to sheng siong for a drink and saw aunt..
Change of plans and down to ICA building to make my passport. :)
Walked down from lavender to aljunied. Hehe. Changi village and slacked for a while before going for nasi lemak dinner!:)

Today was kind of tired. But nevertheless. Was quite a productive day.

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4th.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO WEI YI ANG!!:D
Yeaps. Its her 18th. Legal to go drinking. But i doubt people will let her in... hahah. Kidding~
So anyway. Hope she will enjoy m

oment of life.and may she find her prince charming soon<3

Hmmm. Alright better to topic. Currently on the bus home. Me and wx are like separated cause the seats are all taken up. Haha.. so had meeting today and ate lunch at 4 plus i guess. Spam call jy but turn out. She is on mc.. anyways. Had some htht with lishan and tobey. Wohoooo~
Felt so much closer. Hahaha!
Another meeting tomorrow. Hope

things go as plan:)

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030313

Happy sunday everyone! Was glad that i woke up feeling happy. Went for work and as usual. There was ups and downs..
Afterwards. Went to surprise wei yi. It turn quite okay. Cause she was so surprise. On the other hand. Her poly friends came and wanted to surprise. But we kind of ruin it. So yeahhhh /:
Okay... so moving on. We went to eat roti prata and then went home with my bf!
A great weekend and so the new week has begun. Haha. Happy birthday to wei yi! :)
Meetings tmr and tue. And and... more stuff going on this week. Hmmm~

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First of March

Its the 8th month. But yet. Didnt went out together.. wanted to rest at home for its the only free day i had this week.
Ended up going out to buy my kfc lunch. And borrowed some books. Home and ate. Watched running man. Slept till like dinner time. Like a pig.~
Wasted a day as usual and i was regretted it. Should have gone out. But well.. it doesnt made a difference.
Busy weeks coming ahead. With camps, plannings, meetings etc..
Birthday in like less than a month. But im not looking forward. Turning 18 but i doubt anyone would care. Just another ordinary day i guess...

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shattered

So hurt right now. Seriously..
I have never felt so betrayed before.. people who cant keep up to their promises should not even deserved to be respected.come on.. i gave you time. Gave you your supposingly alone time.. in the end? Went to talk to other people. Hellooo. Do you even know what is alone time?.
Really heart breaking.. not sure what i am going to do now.
Pissed off.

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peace, when will it come

There will never be peace in my house. Not even for a day. Not even during CNY.
Its supposed to be an auspicious day but look what you have gotten us into? Ruining our mood and thinking that you are princess? From the start. You are complaining at anything and everythig. All of us control. Really. We did throw tantrum and yet you are cursing and swearing at all of us as if we did something wrong...
Come on la. You think pms big arh? You are like 24/7 pms. Causing all of us to suffer.. opps. Not all of us. Except your dad lor. The one who stick up to you. Thinking you are precious gems and the rest of us like rubbish.
And today‘s incident isnt my third sis fault. Its you. YOU! Dont get it why on earth your friends can tolerate you. Must be two faced huh? Like a tiger in the house and a mouse when with your friends? 25 years old still act like 3 years old.... -.-

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Smile

I‘m going to smile. Because thats the solution to my problem.. i shall fight for my own rights. Be who i truly want to be.
Ystd night was crying at 1 plus and couldnt sleep. Yes, it was torturous. But i had K to be there for me. Thanks<3
And so morning wanted to change everything but ended up in tears. Seriously i couldny believe you would say such words. It doesnt matter what your status are. You dont have the rights to screw up people‘s life.
So yea. Now travelling on the shuttle bus. But im sick. Emotionally and physically.
Well. Only solution is to be positive. Smile and hope for things to be right.

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i felt.

I felt like a ball being kicked around. Its like nobody cares. Like really. Even if you tried your best to go in. Had been crying over this for a couple of days. I felt so lousy. So much so that i feel like migrating. Migrate to another world that engages in solitary play. How i wish...
Want to escape from this reality. Cause i have tried real lot. But its still useless. Sometimes i wonder. Why on earth am i born on this world.. to make myself suffer? To cry daily? To lead an miserable life?
Its never the same again
NEVER.

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tears

Off to school. And after i read those tweets. I felt so lousy. The world crumbled. Really..
When will this be over. Seriously. Im getting tired of those tears. And those words that turn me to a culprit. I hate it. Really...
Till then. Enjoy your mugging everyone!

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Tearing now. Never felt so helpless before. Its like im all alone suddenly. Really. Additiomally. Money problem. Wanted to buy those rilakkuma stuff but i couldnt. My mind say no cause i was out of cash.
So i just bought what i needed. Still. I feeling unhappy. Cause im travelling alone
No support. No nothing. Just someone tearing like mad on the bus

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first

Yay. So i was happy that i went out on the first. Heheh. Happy.~
As usual. Went to school for fp in the morning.then ms annie gave me a gift to thank me for being the fp rep. Awww:‘) and so. I took a polaroid with her. Hehe. So happy:D
Then peiy lecture was awesome. Quiz and t03 like spam the answers. Hehe. Yuppi hamburger!!^^
Then visual arts. I love it cause i got to design my own art. Never in my life i got to do art freely. Hehe.
Then went to meet K. Went down to marina sqaure to have our pizza hut dinner.:) spicy drumlets were stil the best:D
Then went around to take polaroids . Hehe. Afterwards. Went back and saw this 1 for 1 ice cream. Super shiok. So bought yoghurt and some blue colour flavour(cotton candy?). And it was so nice i swear:)
Then went home. And talked to qh. And it was like.. so fated. Both of us at kembagan. But at the opposite trains. Hahaha. :)
Home afterwards. Started my feb with such a nice date<3
And so. Now its sunday. Currently at work. No customers but yea. I promised i will stay focus yea. Hehe. It was now then i realised i didny blog as much now. ):
But nvm... Exams coming. NOOO): brighter side. Counting down to exam is the same as counting down to holiday. Wohooo:)

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gratitude

Its time to thank someone near you. Appreciate them and recognise them; so i shall start.
Syahidah,xin yee, xaverie: thank you so much for being such an awesome clique during my secondary school years. Though we quarrel. We still care for one another at the end of the day. Its really warming to know that we actually pull through o levels together. The times we have is really amazing. Countless memories etched in my heart:)
Wei yi: my funnny cute friend. Always trys to make me laugh. Gang up with kai to surprise me during my 17th birthday!:) a-must not lose-good friend.<3
4E1‘11 every single one of you have made me come this far. You guys have help me along. Guide me. Teach me. And most important, befriending me. An important class that supported me. :D
Rainbow you are first clique in poly. And i hope it will be the last. Sometimes i feel that we are drifting but still. Lets try to stay together okay?:)
Qian hui always there for me. Even thoug sometimes we like awkward after a quarrel. We still throw that aside and become friends again:) thanks for staying on while my whole world crash.
Felicia thanks for your lame jokes! And those funny moments which become an embarrasment for you.
T03 the first all girls class i have join like in 17 years? Nevertheless. I still forged many friendships which are unforgettable. Everyone of you are like a precious to me. So dont ever do silly stuf okay?:)
Kai my one and only. Hahaha. Always there to make me laugh.cry.sad. happy. One that can stir my emotions. ^^
Yep myanmar people first oversea trip in poly . I must say. It took a lot of effort to get to know all of you
And cause i wad sticking to my own group. I didnt talk much to everyone. But still. I love how bonded we are!!:)
Zhaowei and poh yee my two seniors that guided me alot through this period of time. Though they may be stress too. They still took time to listen to my problems and hear my problems
More thanks to come. Shall post more:D

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Dont ever blame me if it happens. You made me into this..
You dont even care. Eat your own dinner and dont care about me. Watch your tv and ignore me.
Cant believe this fact. But seriously. This is happenig.. do you think you are fit to be a person on earth? Selfish..

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mind

Its like a football being kicked herr and there. Wont know where you will ended up until you land.
Is this kind of life what you want?.if yes. I salute you. But if otherwise, cant you spare a thought for others? Dont be so selfish can..

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New year

Yea.. so today is the new year. Beginning of 2013. But i dont see me being happy. Why? Cause i have been crying over disappointments.
I really REALLY HATE disappointments. It the worse present i ever want to get. Especially on new year‘s day. So yea. 2013 has been ruin since the start. Not sure how going to survive with all these problems.
But good thing. I have qianhui. Shes always the first person to ask me what happen. And i have no issues talking to her about my problem. Though sometimes we are unhappy wth each other. She stayed in my life. She didnt disappoint me. Nor did she gave empty promises.
Yea. And im left here alone. Clearing all these mess you have created. Sometimes i wonder. Are you moving on? Since i can feel the difference. Its not the same like in the past..
Someone please guide me through this. This tough journey will soon be over if i give up..

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